It's not nice to admit this but I don't have empathy for women that don't value themselves. Life has taught me that you must value yourself before you can expect anyone else to value you.
A few of my bad relationships have been a careful study in "what not to do". What not to do: beg/whine/weedle for respect, reinvent yourself in someone else's image, put your needs at the bottom of the list, soothe with food/drugs/alcohol, remain steadfastly unchanged, avoid truth, and give others the responsibility for making you ________ (fill in the blank; including but not limited to whole/happy/successful/fulfilled).
Self value determines how you walk in the world. You can smell when someone values themselves (and doesn't). It's not lip service. Traveling though life as a victim encourages people to kick us, figuratively and literally.
It's our responsibility to shift this -- by creating situations in which we succeed, are validated and feel our strength. This may mean seeking professional therapy, reading, exercising, daring to speak when we are "normally" silent, avoiding or reducing our exposure to toxic lovers and friends AND accepting that fear is normal and pushing through it.
How we are valued starts with knowing our value...the universe is conspiring to shower us with blessings. See what Rob Brezsney has to say: http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/pronoia.therapy.html
Next subject: we all agree that we want to improve the quality of this year's Thanksgiving meal.
May I suggest we plan a menu?
What I'd like bring: butternut squash and sweet potatoes; quinoa, edamame, tart cherry salad and a dessert (probably cupcakes). I suggested cornish hens but I don't think this is do-able (organic hens are 8-10 bucks each). Your ideas?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
1st, let me dispense with the Wegman's issue - IT's NOT AN ISSUE! I am in full agreement with having a quality meal and am surprised this conversation has commanded as much time as it has since I committed early this year to having a traditional Thanksgiving dinner - home-cooked.
I've indicated that I would do a turkey/stuffing, baked macaroni, cranberry sauce and probably a ham I want to get from the Scranton market. I'm not opposed to cornish hens if anyone else wants to take this on. Just let me know so I won't do the turkey.
One of the dictionary meanings for VALUE is 'relative worth.' I wholeheartedly agree with emmy that people in general and women in particular must value themselves. Unfortunately, women seem to take on a subordinate posture when it isn't necessary. Sometimes circumstantial situations warrant that, as in the case of giving birth: the demands of the newborn put us on a track of responding exclusively to their needs. This, however, is or should be a temporary condition. You quickly learn what is important and when it is necessary to capitulate to their needs.
Even before having a child, you as a child are taught to subordinate your desires because your parents are in charge and decide what is best for you and generally, their guidance is in your best interest. You learn to conform until you are in the position of making independent decisions.
The longer you live, the more you should be learning how to navigate thru the pitfalls of relationships with others in your personal and professional life. There are times when it either is wise or more convenient to capitulate to the will of others, but at no time do you cower or compromise your self-respect in so doing. You should always be thinking of why you are giving in and what is there for you to gain by doing so. It's a matter of thinking ahead about what is best for you.
You absolutely must respect yourself first because if you don't, you not only do yourself a great disservice, but it does not take long for others to recognize this and treat you accordingly.
Women who go thru life always playing 'the victim card' are victimized. They think that by appealing to the compassion of others they suddenly will gain what they want, however, by broadcasting their lack of self-worth, others see easy pickings ahead and promptly take advantage. You have to hold your head high, articulate your needs and set a plan to go after what it is you want. It is critical that you define what it is you want, at least to yourself if not to others. You must have some goals and at least an outline of a plan; the details will come as you become clear on what it is you want.
You can't go thru life hoping that others will think you are worthy and give you what you want, especially if you don't know what you want. You must believe in yourself and establish standards. Nobody likes or respects a doormat.
One of the reasons I never talked against your father as you were growing up is that I truly believed that you would get to the point where you would be capable of judging for yourself. I valued your ability to think for yourself and draw your own conclusions and I was confident enough in myself to go forward with my life without looking back and bemoaning my plight. The thought of considering myself 'a single mother' never entered my mind because I had had a husband and it didn't work out, and I didn't have children by myself.
Women who define themselves to anyone who will listen by first saying 'I'm a single mother' are setting themselves up for failure when they mistakenly are actually hoping it will garner them sympathy from the outset. It's a big mistake. When you define yourself from a point of weakness, you are perceived and treated in just that way - weak!
In the case of Billy, he is trying desparately today to overcome his past weaknesses and failures as a father. It is a heavy burden to overcome when your children get to the point where they lose respect for you. Life is about setting standards, establishing priorities and valuing yourself in relation to your environment.
giving birth does not require us to be subordinate but it does demand that we submit. this is not about knowing our value.
when i gave birth i swelled in amazement as i beheld the perfect creature that was charles earl butler, jr. his tiny toes, his elfin face, his silky hair, his umbilical stump, his uncircumcised penis -- miracles all! i shepherded him here. i was his fertile ground. i made life -- further confirming my diva amazon-ness.
i remember not conforming as a child -- oh, the trouble AND the rewards it brought me . who knew i could shape the world with my will? and the magic is: we all have this power.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Maryanne Williamson
btw, lalamama you may have envisioned a different kind of meal for the upcoming T-day but you never spoke on it. yes may at times have the ability to read each other's minds -- but not this time.
please make the turkey too -- mo doesn't care for cornish hens.
Post a Comment